In the beginning God created.. yadda yadda.

So apparently, "In the beginning, God created".. basically everything. I grew up in a family that breathed, lived and preached this stuff. Every conversation was not complete without some tie to our religion, thanks to my good ol' dad. Growing up I followed what was taught and felt like a good person, because I was doing what God would want me to do. It was in Junior High that I would say that I truly began a 'Borderline' type personality; I didn't know it then, I just thought I was sad and lonely, but looking back I created a tendency then. Because of my upbringing, I looked at choices and life as black & white, right & wrong. Looking at it now, and the things I struggle with today, I can see how lacking of emotion that way of thinking is. I almost feel as if I was a robot that computed and had an answer for everything. What's difficult about this way of thinking, as I've discovered, is it doesn't always bring happiness. I'm not blaming that religion or my parents for the lack of happiness or living I experienced; however, on a religious standpoint, I was missing out on a large portion of why God sent us to Earth. Growth.
Through emotion, we humans are able to experience, learn & grow.. Emotions are results in a situation. I could even drive this point further by saying, if you ask for someone's opinion on a subject that is emotionally tied, you'll get a variety of answers - so what is 'right'? As I've learned, if we lock emotions away completely, we stunt our emotional, spiritual and mental growth. We don't develop the tools necessary to function effectively in our relationships; not just romantic relationships, but relationships with family or friends.
I've seen many friendships falter because it reaches a point in the relationship where I become uncomfortable and close myself off to them. I push them. Once I've created space and feel disconnected, I realize how I miss them and value them in my life and I bring them back into my life. I pull them. Then without fail, once I've created the situation where we are back on track, I start again to run from them, pushing them away. This Push, Pull relationship has provided my life with inconsistency, and feelings of abandonment. I know and recognize that I feel uncomfortable with that person; however, I couldn't really tell you why. It's a place of recognition that I am opening myself to them, becoming vulnerable. Perhaps I'm afraid of the rejection or abandonment, and then knowing I was 'right' that they left or it didn't work out. It's the unknown of what's to come with that relationship, and knowing how to handle it from there.

All for now.