Wordless thoughts, put into words. Unknown feelings found.

When therapeutically writing, rarely do I edit or review my writings.. here's one

"Reflecting back, today feels like an Eternity, or realistically a weeks worth of feelings in a day. All the anxiety and what went through my head included the following: my relationship & where it's going, my relationship with my parents, money & the debt I've incrued, my spiritual beliefs brought up from recent activities. Also something that I see personally affecting me is how my parents have referred to anxiety, on numerous occaisons, as "well maybe you're doing something wrong" - basically associating it with the guilt 'supposedly experienced due to poor decisions, associated with religion.'

Although I started my day with these topics racing around in my head, I began to realize that (although they were still in there somewhere) I was not dwelling on necessarily anything particular. I was harboring anxiety, and allowing it to swirl around my mind's gravitational pull. I feel at some point it changes to a manic state, where the gravity is strong enough, that for that day or period of time, the best I can do is just survive. That inevitable strength of a Black Hole is present, until my mind can reset & start again.

As this astronomical even occurs in my mind, I can't help but hear the "command center" sending commands out into space. As I try and show that they aren't received, the waves are still ever so present in this Space. As I open myself to the "command center", giving it's commands a try, I hear "it's mental, you just get over it" and begin to train on that literality. I look at the physics of the Black Hole & its gravity before me. Although, not understanding 'How' but following 'commands', I apply the unlogical.
Waiting for the space in front of me to disapear and make me whole, sending me back to this world that I live in, nothing changes. I only realize that the commands are far from the actuality of the physics.

The anxiety was there still. Fears of "it's because I'm doing something wrong" come to mind. I begin to become angry because how could I have lived like that for so long when (even though I felt I could never be 'good enough'), I was living a fairly flawless life. When I was 'righteously' married, I felt that anxiety. That's why I hate to believe that for decades I've experienced guilt. It just doesn't seem to contain Divine Justice, to be the "Goody Two-Shoes" for two decades and be in such personal misery.
As I've meditated and listened to my heart, I realize that contrary to parental belief, it is anxiety and is not just 'overcome' and may be more of a struggle for me then for others. "

BPD seems unfair and is confusing, but I guess that just means I get to learn to navigate in my space & utilize different tools then "normal" people.

~You are Albino~

Albinism

Oculocutaneous albinism; Ocular albinism; Hermansky-Pudlak syndrome

Last reviewed: November 14, 2011.

Albinism is a defect of melanin production that results in little or no color (pigment) in the skin, hair, and eyes.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002450/#adam_001479.disease.symptoms 




The big thing for Albino's is to limit the amount of Sun they're exposed to. They typically won't melt like the Wicked Witch of the West if they are touched by the Sun; however, they have an extra sensitivity to it's 'wicked' rays. They are generally full-functioning human beings that can live successful lives and be every-bit as 'normal' as the next person. The condition of Albinism is just an extra sensitivity that can be tolerated so that it does not affect their life.

Not word-for-word, but this was how Borderline Personality Disorder was described to me today, when I presented this run-on  question..

"What if I'm just normal and there isn't really anything 'wrong' with me, but it's just that I doubt myself and don't validate myself enough that causes problems - but I guess that my relationships and interactions would be different then they are now, and I wouldn't have to wonder why things felt wrong after I acted with what just 'came to me' or felt right.?..?" .... anyway that was the jist of it.

BPD is an extra sensitivity to the Sun (aka: emotions). It's not that there is anything necessarily wrong, but you, no I, just have to learn to recognize and feel my emotions differently. I described, today, that when I feel emotion, I start at a neutral location.. a grounding. When things happen I generally feel one of the following:
 a) typically remain in my grounded location & come off as a robot or cold.
b) slingshots to an extreme of some sort, because I generate a sensitivity.

      A.                                                                                 B.                   
  GROUNDED                                                                                              seems irrationally emotional
Not much emotion                    ................................................................                    Impulsive
        meh..                                                                                                              Panic Attacks etc

Although not completely accurate, that's a general spectrum of emotions. Actually thinking about it, I'm not real sure I could describe an 'in-between' emotion. What's frustrating is that while dwelling in 'Grounded-ville', I do care about the things that are going on; however, I don't necessarily feel a lot. That doesn't mean that I don't care, but it's almost like - if I'm going to feel a true emotion, it's not going to be there unless it's REALLY THERE... if you catch my drift.

Sorry if it doesn't make sense to your mind, I can totally understand it - just can't explain to you why.
(which is a common occurrence)

In the beginning God created.. yadda yadda.

So apparently, "In the beginning, God created".. basically everything. I grew up in a family that breathed, lived and preached this stuff. Every conversation was not complete without some tie to our religion, thanks to my good ol' dad. Growing up I followed what was taught and felt like a good person, because I was doing what God would want me to do. It was in Junior High that I would say that I truly began a 'Borderline' type personality; I didn't know it then, I just thought I was sad and lonely, but looking back I created a tendency then. Because of my upbringing, I looked at choices and life as black & white, right & wrong. Looking at it now, and the things I struggle with today, I can see how lacking of emotion that way of thinking is. I almost feel as if I was a robot that computed and had an answer for everything. What's difficult about this way of thinking, as I've discovered, is it doesn't always bring happiness. I'm not blaming that religion or my parents for the lack of happiness or living I experienced; however, on a religious standpoint, I was missing out on a large portion of why God sent us to Earth. Growth.
Through emotion, we humans are able to experience, learn & grow.. Emotions are results in a situation. I could even drive this point further by saying, if you ask for someone's opinion on a subject that is emotionally tied, you'll get a variety of answers - so what is 'right'? As I've learned, if we lock emotions away completely, we stunt our emotional, spiritual and mental growth. We don't develop the tools necessary to function effectively in our relationships; not just romantic relationships, but relationships with family or friends.
I've seen many friendships falter because it reaches a point in the relationship where I become uncomfortable and close myself off to them. I push them. Once I've created space and feel disconnected, I realize how I miss them and value them in my life and I bring them back into my life. I pull them. Then without fail, once I've created the situation where we are back on track, I start again to run from them, pushing them away. This Push, Pull relationship has provided my life with inconsistency, and feelings of abandonment. I know and recognize that I feel uncomfortable with that person; however, I couldn't really tell you why. It's a place of recognition that I am opening myself to them, becoming vulnerable. Perhaps I'm afraid of the rejection or abandonment, and then knowing I was 'right' that they left or it didn't work out. It's the unknown of what's to come with that relationship, and knowing how to handle it from there.

All for now.

Walking on My Border.

Walking on My Border is a journal entry system, as much as I hate to admit - mostly because I don't like talking about myself or feel like I'm bragging/complaining . The last 6 years, I've had counselors tell me that writing is therapeutic and helps in getting thoughts, feelings, and fears out. Although this is true, I have to do it without thinking that I'm leaving this for posterity or the 1-in-a-million , no trillion, chance that when I meet my grave, an author will create a Biography for me.
Through this blog, aka: therapy session, you will experience an inside look at me, my life, and the live-in experience of Borderline Personality Disorder (oh, and the 'thrills' that come with it). Maybe you'll think that I'm a victim, maybe you'll decide that I am a Bitch.. Who knows!? According to my counselor that's what I get to decide, and ultimately choose what side of 'my' Border I walk on.

Here ya go..

¹bor·der : noun \ˈbȯr-dər\

Definition of BORDER

1: an outer part or edge 

www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/border 

¹bor·der·line

adjective \-ˌlīn\

Definition of BORDERLINE

1a : being in an intermediate position or state : not fully classifiable as one thing or its opposite <a borderline state between waking and sleeping>

b : not quite up to, typical of, or as severe as what is usual, standard, or expected <borderline intelligence> <borderline hypertension>

c : characterized by psychological instability in several areas (as interpersonal relations, behavior, and identity) but only with brief or no psychotic episodes <a borderline personality disorder> 

d: situated at or near a border <a borderline town>

— borderline noun 

www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/borderline