When therapeutically writing, rarely do I edit or review my writings.. here's one
"Reflecting back, today feels like an Eternity, or realistically a weeks worth of feelings in a day. All the anxiety and what went through my head included the following: my relationship & where it's going, my relationship with my parents, money & the debt I've incrued, my spiritual beliefs brought up from recent activities. Also something that I see personally affecting me is how my parents have referred to anxiety, on numerous occaisons, as "well maybe you're doing something wrong" - basically associating it with the guilt 'supposedly experienced due to poor decisions, associated with religion.'
Although I started my day with these topics racing around in my head, I began to realize that (although they were still in there somewhere) I was not dwelling on necessarily anything particular. I was harboring anxiety, and allowing it to swirl around my mind's gravitational pull. I feel at some point it changes to a manic state, where the gravity is strong enough, that for that day or period of time, the best I can do is just survive. That inevitable strength of a Black Hole is present, until my mind can reset & start again.
As this astronomical even occurs in my mind, I can't help but hear the "command center" sending commands out into space. As I try and show that they aren't received, the waves are still ever so present in this Space. As I open myself to the "command center", giving it's commands a try, I hear "it's mental, you just get over it" and begin to train on that literality. I look at the physics of the Black Hole & its gravity before me. Although, not understanding 'How' but following 'commands', I apply the unlogical.
Waiting for the space in front of me to disapear and make me whole, sending me back to this world that I live in, nothing changes. I only realize that the commands are far from the actuality of the physics.
The anxiety was there still. Fears of "it's because I'm doing something wrong" come to mind. I begin to become angry because how could I have lived like that for so long when (even though I felt I could never be 'good enough'), I was living a fairly flawless life. When I was 'righteously' married, I felt that anxiety. That's why I hate to believe that for decades I've experienced guilt. It just doesn't seem to contain Divine Justice, to be the "Goody Two-Shoes" for two decades and be in such personal misery.
As I've meditated and listened to my heart, I realize that contrary to parental belief, it is anxiety and is not just 'overcome' and may be more of a struggle for me then for others. "
BPD seems unfair and is confusing, but I guess that just means I get to learn to navigate in my space & utilize different tools then "normal" people.
